An Unspoken Promise

Note: I wasn't going to post this. I mostly wrote this as a reminder to myself of why I need to be content with being single. But then I thought that it might be helpful to other people too. 

   "I need a boyfriend." 

   "I need a girlfriend." 

   How many of you have thought this one time or another? I know I have. 

Even though I am perfectly content being single right now, there are times where I look at two people holding hands, or smiling at each other with a type of affection that I can't help but envy. 

   Just like most girls, I fantasized about boys from a very young age... probably from ages 9 to 13 or 14. 

   I thought about how wonderful it would be to have a special someone who would open doors for me and give me chocolate (Lots and lots of chocolate). I will say, I probably wasn't as boy crazy as a lot of girls are, thanks to homeschooling, but I definitely did have my crushes. 

   When I first got into highschool, I started seeing the ugly side of young dating in my friends, and other girls that I knew. Lack of maturity, short-lived flings, break ups, lots of pain and anger...

I thought to myself:

"Do I really want to put myself through this?" 

I mean, yeah, it's fun to be able to tell your friends that you have a boyfriend and feel so grown up, but that's really all that can come out of it at such a young age. 

   Seeing this, I made an unspoken promise to myself not to date in high school. 

   No, I do not believe that people who do date in high school are stupid, or bad. I just made that decision for myself, because I didn't want to go through that. 

   Of course though, if God was telling me directly, that it is in His plan for me to date someone, I have no authority to make my silly little promise more important than God's will for my life.

   I'm a senior now. So far, I've been true to my promise.

  

   It's not as hard as I thought it would be, and at the same time, it is harder than I thought it would be.

   I've seen many more friends try to pursue a more serious relationship with someone and then it end in flames and heartbreak. 

   But there is always those times where I feel insufficient. Like I'm not good enough because I don't have a boyfriend. 

   This is the part where most bloggers would probably say something along the lines of:

"But I don't care what other people think. I'm a perfect person who has no flaws and is strong and independant, and I don't need a man to tell me that.":

   I'm not going to say that, because it definitely isn't true. To be completely honest, I'm a deeply flawed human being who is insecure and constantly needs the approval of man to keep me from hating myself. 

   And maybe that's why I'm not ready to date right now.

   Having a boyfriend would prevent me from letting God work those flaws and wrong thoughts out of me. Since I'm single right now, I'm able to focus on not needing or trying to please anyone except God. 

     I need to fix my eyes on the fact that seeking constant approval from people will only hurt me more. 

   I need to accept that my Lord and Savior sees me as His child, and His creation that He called GOOD. 

 That's why I'm single. That's why I'm content with being single. That's why I made a promise.

Ephesians 2:10-

"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."

Psalm 139:14- 
"I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well."

When I Am Afraid...

To be perfectly honest, when I start to get caught up in the fear of my past or future, I withdraw into myself. I sit alone and think of all the ways I have a terrible life. 

Surprise, surprise, I make myself feel worse. 

But something about my human nature tells me that giving into my fears will somehow save me from them. 

But that's not true. As a matter of fact, now that I'm actually writing it down, it seems absolutely stupid that I do that. But when I'm actually in the moment of grief, it makes sense somehow. 

Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we neglect God when He is literally the only way that we can recover? 

I've recently read this verse: 

"The name of the LORD is a fortified tower; the righteous run to it and are safe."
Proverbs 8:10

I, in no way think that I'm righteous. And how could I be? I do neglect God in times of need. I always go back to Him whenever I'm only in the most dire of situations. He is always my last resort, when I have no other way to turn. 

Why is that?! 

I fight this war inside me: my heart against my flesh. 

I want to solve my problems by myself. I can do this alone... Right? No.  Sadly, we can't. If we could, why would we need a God? 

It's so hard to try to get it through my thick skull that I can't solve my problems on my own. 

But that's the beautiful thing about being a child of God. 

Whenever I mess up, I can bring Him my broken self and He will remake me. 

And the best part about it, that I still can't wrap my head around, is the fact that He never has regrets about anything: creating me, putting me into the family and life I'm in. He doesn't regret accepting me into His family or forgiving me over and over again, even when I keep making the same mistakes. 

I am a wretched, sinful, disgusting human being. But I am BLAMELESS before the Lord.

-Christy

Faith Enough To Pray

I close my Bible once again after reading words that mean nothing to me.

I finish praying an empty prayer with words that have no significance to my heart.

My stomach feels weak. My chest feels empty. 

"What's wrong with me?" 

Once again, I feel disconnected from God. It seems like this happens all the time, and I never know why. 

It's not like I suddenly stopped praying or reading my Bible or anything. It's just that sometimes out of nowhere, I stop feeling God's presence no matter what I do. 

It wasn't until I started writing about it in my journal that the answer popped into my head.  

I've started realizing that words that used to mean so much to me and explain exactly how I feel to God have grown dull and overused because I can't think of any better way to say it. 

I've started realizing that I've grown tired of how much I say "I am such a worthless wretch who does not deserve You.". If I've grown tired of the endless amounts of times that I mess up then repent and do it over again, then surely God must be tired of me. Surely no one can forgive someone that many times, and not feel any disdain towards them!

I've started realizing that my prayers had become faithless because of that. 

I didn't believe that God could actually keep forgiving me as much as He does.

I felt ashamed before His throne. But not in a good way. I didn't feel humiliated to a point of awe... I felt humiliated to a point where I felt doubtful of His power. 

I then began to wonder. "How does one have faith?" 

This is one of the hardest questions I've put against myself because having faith doesn't consist of a certain amount of physical accomplishments.

There's no checklist: "Do these three things and you'll suddenly be filled with faith and trust!"

No, faith is something that you have to choose to have. You have to be able to mentally immerse yourself in His truths in order to obtain faith.

It's difficult because humans are very physically-oriented creatures. It's a strange thing to us to not be able to achieve something through deeds and actions.

Even though I don't by any means have it figured out, I do know this:

James 1:5

"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."

I'll end on that note.

Introductions Are In Order...

Hello.

My name is Christy. 

This is my blog. 

Duh.

I don't think this blog will become popular, I don't even know if anyone will actually read it. 

But that's okay.

I mostly made this blog for my own entertainment anyway. 

If in case the person reading this right now doesn't happen to know me, or know about my life, but wishes to, allow me to tell you.

I am the third out of four children in my family. My only sister is the oldest, I have an older brother and a younger brother. My two older siblings are in college, so right now it is just me and my little bro.

My father has been a pastor ever since I can first remember. Because of this fact, my life is not "average"... whatever that word means, or whatever people think it means. 

I've moved over nine times in the last sixteen years (that's an average of  less than 2 years per place I've lived) 

My family has just recently started helping with a mission for Haiti (7:10 Foundation).

So that we would be more mobile and it would be easier to move around, we sold our house and bought an RV to live in instead. 

Right now, both of my parents are currently in Haiti for the first time. My little brother and I are still here in America. We have yet to go to Haiti, but depending on what happens along the way, we might be going in January. 

That's pretty much a disgustingly shortened version of my life for now. But after all, this is just an introduction...