To be perfectly honest, when I start to get caught up in the fear of my past or future, I withdraw into myself. I sit alone and think of all the ways I have a terrible life.
Surprise, surprise, I make myself feel worse.
But something about my human nature tells me that giving into my fears will somehow save me from them.
But that's not true. As a matter of fact, now that I'm actually writing it down, it seems absolutely stupid that I do that. But when I'm actually in the moment of grief, it makes sense somehow.
Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we neglect God when He is literally the only way that we can recover?
I've recently read this verse:
"The name of the LORD is a fortified tower; the righteous run to it and are safe."
Proverbs 8:10
I, in no way think that I'm righteous. And how could I be? I do neglect God in times of need. I always go back to Him whenever I'm only in the most dire of situations. He is always my last resort, when I have no other way to turn.
Why is that?!
I fight this war inside me: my heart against my flesh.
I want to solve my problems by myself. I can do this alone... Right? No. Sadly, we can't. If we could, why would we need a God?
It's so hard to try to get it through my thick skull that I can't solve my problems on my own.
But that's the beautiful thing about being a child of God.
Whenever I mess up, I can bring Him my broken self and He will remake me.
And the best part about it, that I still can't wrap my head around, is the fact that He never has regrets about anything: creating me, putting me into the family and life I'm in. He doesn't regret accepting me into His family or forgiving me over and over again, even when I keep making the same mistakes.
I am a wretched, sinful, disgusting human being. But I am BLAMELESS before the Lord.
-Christy
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