Faith Enough To Pray

I close my Bible once again after reading words that mean nothing to me.

I finish praying an empty prayer with words that have no significance to my heart.

My stomach feels weak. My chest feels empty. 

"What's wrong with me?" 

Once again, I feel disconnected from God. It seems like this happens all the time, and I never know why. 

It's not like I suddenly stopped praying or reading my Bible or anything. It's just that sometimes out of nowhere, I stop feeling God's presence no matter what I do. 

It wasn't until I started writing about it in my journal that the answer popped into my head.  

I've started realizing that words that used to mean so much to me and explain exactly how I feel to God have grown dull and overused because I can't think of any better way to say it. 

I've started realizing that I've grown tired of how much I say "I am such a worthless wretch who does not deserve You.". If I've grown tired of the endless amounts of times that I mess up then repent and do it over again, then surely God must be tired of me. Surely no one can forgive someone that many times, and not feel any disdain towards them!

I've started realizing that my prayers had become faithless because of that. 

I didn't believe that God could actually keep forgiving me as much as He does.

I felt ashamed before His throne. But not in a good way. I didn't feel humiliated to a point of awe... I felt humiliated to a point where I felt doubtful of His power. 

I then began to wonder. "How does one have faith?" 

This is one of the hardest questions I've put against myself because having faith doesn't consist of a certain amount of physical accomplishments.

There's no checklist: "Do these three things and you'll suddenly be filled with faith and trust!"

No, faith is something that you have to choose to have. You have to be able to mentally immerse yourself in His truths in order to obtain faith.

It's difficult because humans are very physically-oriented creatures. It's a strange thing to us to not be able to achieve something through deeds and actions.

Even though I don't by any means have it figured out, I do know this:

James 1:5

"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."

I'll end on that note.