Who Are YOU?

"Who am I?" 

   Is it just me, or do other people ask themselves this question every other day too? 

   I've lately been feeling like I'm not who I originally started out as when I was younger, and I think that it didn't come from natural growth. 

   I think I molded myself into a person that I really am not, by force. 

   When I was little, I was the daintiest little thing. I always tried to act grown up and sophisticated. I liked the color pink and lacy things and having tea parties. I liked the idea of being a queen (not a princess, mind you, but a queen). I remember feeling like kindness was the best thing in the world, and didn't understand why anyone would think otherwise. I was very sensitive, but felt the need to hold my head high for the sake of grace and elegance. 

   My older sister was the perfect opposite of me... and I thought the world of her. 
   She loved things like riding bikes and climbing trees and making bows and arrows out of sticks and string. She and my brother always stayed outside in the snow much longer than I would. We would all make mud pies together, but she got much dirtier than I would. I was always the one at the bottom of the tree watching in fear at how high she was climbing. She was mischievous and funny.

   I thought she was the coolest person on the planet (I mean, I still think that). I wanted to be like her. I hated the fact that I was so sensitive when it seemed like she could take on anything. 
I hated the fact that I always would exclude myself from the things they did because I didn't want to get my hands dirty. I hated the fact that she was always commended on how many books she's read, when all I really did was play with my dolls. 

   That's when I decided I was going to change. I was gonna be more like her. 

   I saw everything as a challenge. You can do 10 pushups? I can do 12. Dad asked her to carry a heavy box? I'm gonna do it. You can read three books in a week? I'm gonna read four. You can climb a tree? ...yeeaaahhh...I still can't climb trees. 

   Long story short, it worked. I did change. It was great. I could finally keep up with my older siblings and I was constantly complimented on how great a reader I was becoming. It got so bad that I changed my favorite color to blue. 
   
   As I grew up, I started liking the change. I hardened myself to a point where I wouldn't cry during movies or if someone said something mean-spirited. But with that particular change also came the fact that I had lost some of my compassion that I was so proud of just a few years earlier. 

   Today, I am a lot less girly and elegant than I used to be. I still have a lot of my old traits that I could never have gotten rid of, such as my love for art and beauty, but I have lost a lot of tenderness, I've become more snarky and sometimes unintentionally rude and disrespectful. I don't have the same sense of awe of the world like I used to, instead it's been replaced by a deep, gut-wrenching disgust. 

   I often look back and ponder on how different of a person I might be today if I had been content with who I was back then. 

   I regret the fact that I changed because I thought that one personality type was better than mine. I regret that I didn't know that God made us each unique and different for His glory. My personality fits me perfectly, and my sister's personality fits her perfectly. 

   So, if you're wishing you could be more like someone else, please, please, please don't change for anyone. God truly did make you who you are for a reason, and He doesn't want you trying to go and change that. 

   This, however, does not include bettering yourself by trying to get rid of bad habits or things you struggle with in general. That's a part of maturing. But if you try to change your personality for someone or because of someone, that's when it all goes downhill. 

  I've been working to re-obtain that gift that I had when I was little. That balance between being sensitive, but also not allowing myself to get hurt easily. 

   Through God's help, I can correct my faults and mistakes, and HE will be the one to mold me into what He wants me to be. 

1 Peter 4:10-
God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another.

Isaiah 64:8-
 Yet you, LORD, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.

Note: I have a great relationship with all of my siblings. We've all grown to love each other very much. Also, my sister and I have grown from being stark different to being very much alike.