*Gasp* College is Not For Everyone

A couple months ago, I was practically being crushed under the weight of my own doubts and insecurities. I really did not feel like I was being called to go to college. I felt like it wasn't right for me, and like God had different plans for me. That's great, right? To each his own. 

It wasn't great. Not for me. All my friends were planning on college. They all (seemingly) had it figured out. Whenever I told anyone that I was a senior, the first question they always asked was 
"What college are you going to?" 

It was embarrassing for me to say that I probably wasn't going to college. 

What else are people who graduate are supposed to do, right?

Nobody was pressuring me intentionally. But it was small, very silly things that got to me. 

Such as articles called "Six Things You Need To Know Before Going To University" 

Or those college advertisements on Pandora. 

Or when I saw "Dorm-Friendly" items at the store. 

But especially when people asked what college I was going to. And then when I told them I wasn't, then their response of something like this "Oh... so what are you going to do then?" 

I would cry alone in my room and these lies would filter through my brain:
"Why am I too stupid for college?", 
"I'm going to be the only one who isn't ready and excited next fall.", 
"I won't have a good occupation later on.", 
"I'll regret this when I'm 35.", 
"I'll never be as good as everyone else."

After a lot of talking to my parents, and praying, I realized that I didn't have to go to college. I didn't have to fulfill anyone's expectations that every high school graduate would go to University. It was all in my head. I was ready to accept what God had for me, even if it was way different than every other person my age.

Then comes the funny part. I was reminded of my passion for hurting people, and how I love the idea of counseling. I realized that God wanted me to go to college for Biblical Counseling. 

Well, I totally just went through all that pain for nothing. 

WRONG. 

I went through that pain for a reason. I learned that I needed to follow God no matter where He takes me. Even if everyone thinks I'm weird or stupid. I need to disregard their opinions of me, and only focus on God's opinion of me. 

So even though I've decided that I do want to go to college, I learned a valuable lesson. 

I also know that there are people who truly aren't called to further education, and this next part is for you:

DO NOT. Repeat: DO NOT go to college because you feel left out. If GOD is telling to do something else, then do not let ANYONE tell you to do anything else. God is the ultimate authority. He knew what was good for you long, long before you were even born. 

Don't go to college for this reason: because that's the "thing to do", or because you don't want to let people down. 

Do what God is telling you to do. Your life will go so much better if you fold to His will. 

Look at the pain I went through and learn from that, so that you don't have to go through it too. 

It really doesn't matter what other people think if you have God on your side.

There's so many Bible verses about this, but I'll post three.

Galatians 1:10- 
For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.

Proverbs 29:25-
The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.

Acts 5:29-
But Peter and the apostles answered, “We must obey God rather than men.

Who Are YOU?

"Who am I?" 

   Is it just me, or do other people ask themselves this question every other day too? 

   I've lately been feeling like I'm not who I originally started out as when I was younger, and I think that it didn't come from natural growth. 

   I think I molded myself into a person that I really am not, by force. 

   When I was little, I was the daintiest little thing. I always tried to act grown up and sophisticated. I liked the color pink and lacy things and having tea parties. I liked the idea of being a queen (not a princess, mind you, but a queen). I remember feeling like kindness was the best thing in the world, and didn't understand why anyone would think otherwise. I was very sensitive, but felt the need to hold my head high for the sake of grace and elegance. 

   My older sister was the perfect opposite of me... and I thought the world of her. 
   She loved things like riding bikes and climbing trees and making bows and arrows out of sticks and string. She and my brother always stayed outside in the snow much longer than I would. We would all make mud pies together, but she got much dirtier than I would. I was always the one at the bottom of the tree watching in fear at how high she was climbing. She was mischievous and funny.

   I thought she was the coolest person on the planet (I mean, I still think that). I wanted to be like her. I hated the fact that I was so sensitive when it seemed like she could take on anything. 
I hated the fact that I always would exclude myself from the things they did because I didn't want to get my hands dirty. I hated the fact that she was always commended on how many books she's read, when all I really did was play with my dolls. 

   That's when I decided I was going to change. I was gonna be more like her. 

   I saw everything as a challenge. You can do 10 pushups? I can do 12. Dad asked her to carry a heavy box? I'm gonna do it. You can read three books in a week? I'm gonna read four. You can climb a tree? ...yeeaaahhh...I still can't climb trees. 

   Long story short, it worked. I did change. It was great. I could finally keep up with my older siblings and I was constantly complimented on how great a reader I was becoming. It got so bad that I changed my favorite color to blue. 
   
   As I grew up, I started liking the change. I hardened myself to a point where I wouldn't cry during movies or if someone said something mean-spirited. But with that particular change also came the fact that I had lost some of my compassion that I was so proud of just a few years earlier. 

   Today, I am a lot less girly and elegant than I used to be. I still have a lot of my old traits that I could never have gotten rid of, such as my love for art and beauty, but I have lost a lot of tenderness, I've become more snarky and sometimes unintentionally rude and disrespectful. I don't have the same sense of awe of the world like I used to, instead it's been replaced by a deep, gut-wrenching disgust. 

   I often look back and ponder on how different of a person I might be today if I had been content with who I was back then. 

   I regret the fact that I changed because I thought that one personality type was better than mine. I regret that I didn't know that God made us each unique and different for His glory. My personality fits me perfectly, and my sister's personality fits her perfectly. 

   So, if you're wishing you could be more like someone else, please, please, please don't change for anyone. God truly did make you who you are for a reason, and He doesn't want you trying to go and change that. 

   This, however, does not include bettering yourself by trying to get rid of bad habits or things you struggle with in general. That's a part of maturing. But if you try to change your personality for someone or because of someone, that's when it all goes downhill. 

  I've been working to re-obtain that gift that I had when I was little. That balance between being sensitive, but also not allowing myself to get hurt easily. 

   Through God's help, I can correct my faults and mistakes, and HE will be the one to mold me into what He wants me to be. 

1 Peter 4:10-
God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another.

Isaiah 64:8-
 Yet you, LORD, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.

Note: I have a great relationship with all of my siblings. We've all grown to love each other very much. Also, my sister and I have grown from being stark different to being very much alike. 

 
 

An Unspoken Promise

Note: I wasn't going to post this. I mostly wrote this as a reminder to myself of why I need to be content with being single. But then I thought that it might be helpful to other people too. 

   "I need a boyfriend." 

   "I need a girlfriend." 

   How many of you have thought this one time or another? I know I have. 

Even though I am perfectly content being single right now, there are times where I look at two people holding hands, or smiling at each other with a type of affection that I can't help but envy. 

   Just like most girls, I fantasized about boys from a very young age... probably from ages 9 to 13 or 14. 

   I thought about how wonderful it would be to have a special someone who would open doors for me and give me chocolate (Lots and lots of chocolate). I will say, I probably wasn't as boy crazy as a lot of girls are, thanks to homeschooling, but I definitely did have my crushes. 

   When I first got into highschool, I started seeing the ugly side of young dating in my friends, and other girls that I knew. Lack of maturity, short-lived flings, break ups, lots of pain and anger...

I thought to myself:

"Do I really want to put myself through this?" 

I mean, yeah, it's fun to be able to tell your friends that you have a boyfriend and feel so grown up, but that's really all that can come out of it at such a young age. 

   Seeing this, I made an unspoken promise to myself not to date in high school. 

   No, I do not believe that people who do date in high school are stupid, or bad. I just made that decision for myself, because I didn't want to go through that. 

   Of course though, if God was telling me directly, that it is in His plan for me to date someone, I have no authority to make my silly little promise more important than God's will for my life.

   I'm a senior now. So far, I've been true to my promise.

  

   It's not as hard as I thought it would be, and at the same time, it is harder than I thought it would be.

   I've seen many more friends try to pursue a more serious relationship with someone and then it end in flames and heartbreak. 

   But there is always those times where I feel insufficient. Like I'm not good enough because I don't have a boyfriend. 

   This is the part where most bloggers would probably say something along the lines of:

"But I don't care what other people think. I'm a perfect person who has no flaws and is strong and independant, and I don't need a man to tell me that.":

   I'm not going to say that, because it definitely isn't true. To be completely honest, I'm a deeply flawed human being who is insecure and constantly needs the approval of man to keep me from hating myself. 

   And maybe that's why I'm not ready to date right now.

   Having a boyfriend would prevent me from letting God work those flaws and wrong thoughts out of me. Since I'm single right now, I'm able to focus on not needing or trying to please anyone except God. 

     I need to fix my eyes on the fact that seeking constant approval from people will only hurt me more. 

   I need to accept that my Lord and Savior sees me as His child, and His creation that He called GOOD. 

 That's why I'm single. That's why I'm content with being single. That's why I made a promise.

Ephesians 2:10-

"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."

Psalm 139:14- 
"I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well."