Faith Enough To Pray

I close my Bible once again after reading words that mean nothing to me.

I finish praying an empty prayer with words that have no significance to my heart.

My stomach feels weak. My chest feels empty. 

"What's wrong with me?" 

Once again, I feel disconnected from God. It seems like this happens all the time, and I never know why. 

It's not like I suddenly stopped praying or reading my Bible or anything. It's just that sometimes out of nowhere, I stop feeling God's presence no matter what I do. 

It wasn't until I started writing about it in my journal that the answer popped into my head.  

I've started realizing that words that used to mean so much to me and explain exactly how I feel to God have grown dull and overused because I can't think of any better way to say it. 

I've started realizing that I've grown tired of how much I say "I am such a worthless wretch who does not deserve You.". If I've grown tired of the endless amounts of times that I mess up then repent and do it over again, then surely God must be tired of me. Surely no one can forgive someone that many times, and not feel any disdain towards them!

I've started realizing that my prayers had become faithless because of that. 

I didn't believe that God could actually keep forgiving me as much as He does.

I felt ashamed before His throne. But not in a good way. I didn't feel humiliated to a point of awe... I felt humiliated to a point where I felt doubtful of His power. 

I then began to wonder. "How does one have faith?" 

This is one of the hardest questions I've put against myself because having faith doesn't consist of a certain amount of physical accomplishments.

There's no checklist: "Do these three things and you'll suddenly be filled with faith and trust!"

No, faith is something that you have to choose to have. You have to be able to mentally immerse yourself in His truths in order to obtain faith.

It's difficult because humans are very physically-oriented creatures. It's a strange thing to us to not be able to achieve something through deeds and actions.

Even though I don't by any means have it figured out, I do know this:

James 1:5

"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."

I'll end on that note.

Introductions Are In Order...

Hello.

My name is Christy. 

This is my blog. 

Duh.

I don't think this blog will become popular, I don't even know if anyone will actually read it. 

But that's okay.

I mostly made this blog for my own entertainment anyway. 

If in case the person reading this right now doesn't happen to know me, or know about my life, but wishes to, allow me to tell you.

I am the third out of four children in my family. My only sister is the oldest, I have an older brother and a younger brother. My two older siblings are in college, so right now it is just me and my little bro.

My father has been a pastor ever since I can first remember. Because of this fact, my life is not "average"... whatever that word means, or whatever people think it means. 

I've moved over nine times in the last sixteen years (that's an average of  less than 2 years per place I've lived) 

My family has just recently started helping with a mission for Haiti (7:10 Foundation).

So that we would be more mobile and it would be easier to move around, we sold our house and bought an RV to live in instead. 

Right now, both of my parents are currently in Haiti for the first time. My little brother and I are still here in America. We have yet to go to Haiti, but depending on what happens along the way, we might be going in January. 

That's pretty much a disgustingly shortened version of my life for now. But after all, this is just an introduction...